Today’s Articles February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 28th, 2012- Enduring your Custody Dispute
Custody struggles destroy people.
Those who have been through a difficult custody action understand why these confrontations are associated with very high rates of both suicide and homicide.
Family court judges often live in fear of their resides, as disappointed parents frequently blame them for tearing their family apart. More often though, a bad custody suit leads to self-harm, especially in the case of fathers, who tend to be the ones who often feel discriminated against by the family family court system.
The best cure for this anxiety, of course, is to stay away from going to court completely. Try your hardest to reach an agreeable arrangement with your former partner, without bringing in legal intermediaries.
Either way though, while your highest priority needs to be discovering a custody arrangement that is in the best interests of your little one, your number two priority must be to cope with the pressure of the custody preparations without passing that trauma on to your child.
Avoid allowing your daughter or son to take part in any of your emotional difficulties that are connected with your failed marriage. This is particularly damaging where a child is allowed to feel responsible for the divorce, or when one parent often plays the role of the “victim”, leaving the little ones feeling that they need to do something to remedy the situation!
Remember that your children loves you both, and it is not their fault that your connection did not work. They did not cause your marriage breakdown and they cannot fix it.
You must assume the responsibility for this yourself, and if you need support (as we all do) you need to get it from other adults – siblings, parents or familiar companions – and not from your child.
The uncomplicated rule is this: do not dialogue with your son or daughter about your child custody case. If they ask you how it is progressing, assure them that both mum and dad are both working hard to agree on an arrangement that is greatest for them (the child) and leave it at that.
If your child won’t let up on the questioning, it can be very difficult to avoid going into details, but you must do your best to avoid sharing hurt and bitterness with your children, as you do not want your agony to become their pain.A trained family counsellor can be an invaluable asset in these conditions, for both parents and child. In some situations, it may even be possible (and very useful) for an experienced counsellor to arbitrate discussion between a child and both parents. Do not attempt this though without help. The dynamics of such a dialogue can be very challenging to control, and the potential negative consequences are far too serious if things go awry.
Custody law cases are painful for everybody – children, parents and the public at large – and there is only ever one good reason for entering into a custody case in the first place: you are anxious for best interests of your little ones. If then you really are striving for the best interests of your son or daughter, be assured that it will never be in their best interests to involve them in the anguish of the custody battle.
For more information on Getting through your Custody Dispute:
http://www.custodyrights.org
- Shared custody – working together
The family court always favors custody verdicts that are in the “best interests of the child” and as such can mandate the rights and responsibilities of parents where shared custody (technically referred to as ‘joint conservatorship’) has been granted.
Shared Custody is a difficult balance to achieve, but if you want to avoid interference from the courts and make your custody agreement work for the best interests of your children, plenty of consideration will be necessary to determine how to make the transition between the two homes as smooth as is workable.
An example of a good practice in a joint conservatorship is to set up a jointly agreed upon system of house rules in both houses. Often parents are tempted to instantaneously change rules that were a source of dissatisfaction during the marriage or that remind them of their ex. Such inbalances though can be unsettling for the child, and even push them to accommodate their behaviour between homes.
As a result, children can become very accomplished at pleasing or even manipulating situations between the homes for their own profit in situations where parents are still emotionally vulnerable. This is not because children are basically naughty but is simply a survival strategy. A child wants consistency of rules and schedules between homes, for both peace-of-mind and for their healthy emotional and physical development.
Preparing this consistency may require frequent phone calls and meetings between parents to discuss the needs of the child and the working out of a calendar together, so that there are explicit expectations and little room for emotional tricks. Ensure, as far as is possible, that both homes are in agreement on rules regarding bedtimes, tv viewing, internet use and going out with buddies.
As your child grows, these rules will, of course, need to be reviewed together and alterations implemented co-operatively. In truth, parents who enlist a joint custody arrangement because they are openly looking to the best interests of the child need to put in the stage in your life that you spent necessary to make it work. They also need to be happy to change the deal should the needs of the child change.
When a child resolves that he or she would now like to spend added time in the home of one particular parent, there is regularly an impossible guilt that they feel over choosing one parent above the other. Parents need to be proactive in freeing their son or daughter from this guilt by making it obvious that the arrangements have been set up to serve their best interests and not your needs, and that you are therefore always open to alter them.
Research still suggests that most children are more settled in one home. Parents often see joint custody as an agreement that satisfies their ‘rights’, but the hazard is that the child’s needs will be overlooked in the process. Shared Custody is achievable, and it can work superbly, but, as in any custody contract, a willingness to be adaptable and to put the child first are the essential factors leading to success.
For more information on Making shared custody work:
http://www.texaschild-custody.com/texas-family-law-and-shared-custody.php