Today’s Articles May 15, 2012
May 15th, 2012- Surviving your Custody Dispute
Custody cases destroy people.
Those who have been through a painful custody dispute know why these struggles are associated with prohibitively high rates of both suicide and homicide.
Family court judges often live in fear of their lives, as discontented parents often blame them for tearing their family apart. More often though, a bad custody battle leads to self-harm, especially in the case of males, who tend to be the ones who often feel discriminated against by the family court system.
The best cure for this emotional struggles, of course, is to stay away from going to court entirely. Do your best to reach a satisfactory arrangement with your former partner, without bringing in legal intermediaries.
Either way though, while your highest priority needs to be settling on a custody arrangement that is in the best interests of your children, your number two priority must be to cope with the stress of the custody preparations without passing that emotions on to your child.
Avoid allowing your son or daughter to participate in any of your emotional work that are connected with your failed relationship. This is particularly damaging where a child is allowed to feel responsible for the separation, or when one parent often plays the role of the “victim”, leaving the children feeling that they need to do something to fix the situation!
Be mindful that your little ones loves you both, and it is not their fault that your relationship did not work. They did not cause your relationship breakdown and they cannot remedy it.
You must assume the responsibility for this yourself, and if you need establish (as we all do) you need to find it from peers – siblings, parents or buddies – and not from your child.
The simple rule is this: do not talk to your little ones about your child custody case. If they ask you how it is developing, assure them that both parents are both working hard to agree on an arrangement that is most helpful for them (the child) and leave it there.
If your child pushes you for more information, it can be very difficult to avoid going into details, but you must make an effort to avoid sharing bitterness and hurt with your child, as you do not want your agony to become their anguish.An experienced family counsellor can be an indispensable asset in these circumstances, for both parents and children. In some conditions, it may even be possible (and very constructive) for a practiced counsellor to facilitate discussion between a child and both separated parents. Do not endeavor to do this though without professional assistance. The dynamics of such a discourse can be very tough to control, and the consequences are just far too serious if things go awry.
Child custody cases are undesirable for everybody – children, parents and the public at large – and there is only ever one appropriate basis for entering into a custody battle in the first place: you are worried about best interests of your son or daughter. If then you really are striving for the best interests of your children, be assured that it will never be in their best interests to immerse them in the heartache of the custody war.
For more information on Making it through your Custody Battle:
http://www.custodyrights.org
- In most states, a court’s decision about child custody during a separation used to be simple to make.
In most states, a court’s decision about child custody during a divorce used to be simple to make. The judge would give custody to the mom. The father got alternating weekend visitation. Now, custody decisions are drastically more complex. Many states have adopted a standard called “best interests of the child.” Judges are required to weigh a list of factors to shape which parent is the apt custodian of the children. The level of complexity in custody decisions has drastically risen and decisions are no longer clear-cut.Florida is one state that places an emphasis on the protection of children involved in a divorce. The greater interests of the child are the guiding principles in Florida. Domestic relations law of the state outline a directory of factors a judge must consider in every custody decision:
1. the child’s school and home history;
2. the permanence of the child’s proposed home;
3. the continuity of the child’s situation;
4. the parent’s competence to provide the necessities of life;
5. love, affection, and existing ties with either parent;
6. any history of domestic violence; and
7. the parent most likely to support the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent.
There are two factors that appear to be most important:
1. the history of domestic violence and
2. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. The importance of considering domestic violence is evident. If a child is awarded to a violent parent, the safety of that child might be compromised. But most people are not cognizant of and do not comprehend why factor #2 is so important: the parent most likely to further the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. And because there is so little discernmentAntonym of this factor, it presents both a great opportunity and great risk for parents seeking custody of their child. The “best interests of the child” standard was developed by lawyers, judges, child psychologists, and social workers. It represents a balancing of interests and is designed to benefit the child. The states that have adopted this standard believe a child should have a continuing bond with both parents, even after a divorce. And that mutual bond is best promoted by a parent that promotes visitation with the non-custodial parent. The parent that appears to promote the child’s contact with the other parent will get a strong preference in a custody decision. The parent that refuses visitation with the other parent will hurt themselves in a custody decision. Cooperation with visitation can take various forms. A suggested pattern of conduct includes: avoiding discussions of adult divorce issues with the children, making reasonable arrangements for weekly visitation, openness about sharing holidays with the children, and participating in joint decision making about key children’s issues.If you are considering divorce, you should educate yourself about how courts and judges make decisions. By educating yourself, you can make sure a judge will look favorably at your behavior. A divorce doesn’t have to be a guessing game. The educated spouse will always get a more favorable outcome.